cringe worthy?

Feb 26, 1999

I'm here. I'm in London, England. It's all strange and almost unreal. I still feel as if I should still be on that plane. The flight was good and I slept. I even saw an episode of Bewitched. I found the tube and made my way to the Palace Hotel exit at Nottinghill. I'm scared and confused. I have butterflies and nausea. I feel as though I'm gonna collapse. I'm sick and it's raining. Everybody else feels cooler and multitudes more aware than I. If only I didn't feel so vulnerable and unaware. Scared. What am I doing here? Why did I come here? Please Gawd don't let me fall apart. Please alow me to be brave and secure. What do I do next? Where do I go from here? Please let me be good enough-strong enough to make it for 6 months. The only solace I have now is myself. I have only me now. I must protect myself and survive. I must be adaptable to changes. I will cope. I will survive.

I make it sound as If I've been shipped off to a survival obstacle course in England where I am competing against the fashionista of the European jet set. Actually thinking back.. that's sort of how I felt. It's the first entry in the journal I kept while I backpacked through Europe for 6 months. I had never been alone in a foreign country. I had barely travelled alone before that and I was clueless. I was also incredibly boring. The rest of the journal is filled with grocery and bus receipts and play by play commentary of what I did. Or more of the above- trying to talk myself into not feeling so scared or lonley. If I remember correctly, I felt that way for about 4 months. What makes me cringe is that I was 25.