6 wants and the recent channeling the spirit of Helen Keller

What that means is lately I have felt mute. Nothing to say. Not seeing. Probably not hearing very well either. Feeling kind of stormcloud rather than rainbow about some things that have happened, choices made, that kind of thing. You know, trying not to see some opportunities as burdens and difficulties. Trying to not regret some decisons. Wondering if I will come to dread and resent them. Am I looking after what I need or further doing things because it would 'mean so much' to someone else.

The rest of the time I've been trying to break decade long habits with the same amount of success as I've always had. Trying to start new ones that leave me sore and tired, worn out. Communicating all day long for a living and then spending the rest of my time barely feeling numb and not wanting to talk to anyone. Mumbling and stumbling through coffee and grocery transactions. And finally wishing I had more energy to be more social to have more friends to balance my life that feels increasingly unbalanced.

I want to take a course in web design.
I want to be fit and healthier and 30 pounds lighter.
I want to take a trip that doesn't involve family or family obligations.
I want to own my own apartment (houses in Vancouver may be just be too much of a stretch)and paint the walls if I want to.
I want to join a club and talk to people that don't involve my 'other' life.
I want a boyfriend that will go beyond where I've been sitting for the last 2 years.