I can't bear to take the blankets off the window ledges. The places where Ruby liked to curl up when the sun came in. Laying in bed, I expect to hear the pat pat pat across the linoleum and feel the thwump when she jumps on the bed. She would walk along the edge and then climb over the top of the pillows. No matter what she came over to where M and I hung out. She had taken to sleeping on my hip if I laid on my side and whenever I came home, I would see where she had spent the day. There would always be a small curved bowl smoothed out in the blankets where she had spent of some part the day. The apartment is different without her. Vacant and quiet. Strange and lonely. My heart bangs in my chest thwump..and I wonder and pray I made the right decision.

Man..she was special to me.

through the kitty door to heaven

For those who met and enjoyed our little feline spitfire spark Ruby, I wanted to let you know the sad news that after 5 weeks of declining health issues, Michael and I made the heart wrenching decision to help Ruby pass on. She was euthanized peacefully this evening at approx 10:30pm. She passed away as we both held her while she rested in our laps on a pillow she'd found comfort on for the last week.

We'll miss her and her funny ways.

We won't miss finding half eaten mice on the kitchen floor though.

Jill & Michael
26 Jan 2012

ruby

Kitty crimson.. pink as rose

with knowing eyes, they shimmered gold.

9 years soon that time has froze

She and I, our hearts we hold.

The Revelotioneres

Plaza De Mayo, Buenos Aires

#11 blog more

It's becoming clearer to me that Life (do you like how I capitalized that?) is a series of stories that you've either decided to believe from someone else or that you told along the way. Somewhere  I decided that because experienceX happened to me that experienceY would or vice-versa and if X happened again in a similar way, then by "life experience" Y was going to happen again- eventually. Human beings will look for the evidence. I think we'll create it eventually and all actions begin with the way you think about things. I don't think it's trite all all to believe what you believe will happen. I remember one day when I wrote down on a piece of paper that I made X amount of money and that I had a great job. This was at a time when I thought that X was unattainable.. really out of my reach. Like it was crazy talk.  I now make $200 beyond it.

I still have that piece of paper.

resolute

 res·o·lute/ˈrezəˌlo͞ot/

Adjective:	Admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.
Synonyms:	determined - firm - decided - resolved - decisive

1. get off the processed grains
2. sugar free new year
3. more yoga
4. the bicycle
5. water. lots of it
6. learn more
7. loose 40
8. make more stuff
9. exhibit
10. vietnam

late spring in the prairies

This is Chloe.

She has singlehandledly raised more awareness for Trich than anything lately. The background music is Sixx AM or Niki Sixx band (he's from Motely Crue- big time famous). He found out about the video and called Chloe and it's been popping up on new reports for the last couple of days.

Pretty brave.

I remember being 13 and starting Grade 7 in a new school, in a new neighborhood. I stood outside the side doors almost paralysed. I had no hair. I refused to cover it up and I refused to wear a wig. I was a bald girl years before Sinead O Connor or Brittany Spears shaved their heads. I had to walk through the halls, find my class, find a seat and be Ok.

I was harassed by the grade 9 students. Called Baldy and Kojak. Once someone wrote "Jill is Diseased" in large red letters across a bathroom stall door. Girls preening in the bathrooms at lunch would ask me if they could borrow a brush from me and then start laughing. I was lucky though. It was before the real epidemic of bullying. I think it's worse now. Cyber Bullying. I went to grade school before cell phones, emails, Facebook pages and blogs. Either that or I had a look on my face that said I'll rip the shreds off of you if you dare make fun of me. I was always a bit headstrong and determined. I also managed to have great friends. Pretty cool friends actually. But I don't think I ever really told anyone I was pulling my hair out. I still don't. The majority of people in my life don't know I live with Trichotillomania. Now you do.

I'd like to post this video on my Facebook page, but I'm not brave enough yet. I admire Chloe. When I was that age, I don't think I would have posted it on Youtube. The other day, my tattoo artist was telling me that he developed Trich.. that he pulled out all his eyelashes and eyebrows and I just said "You're kidding? Really? Wow!" and he's like "ya, really". I had to say.. I know about Trich.

I've pulled out all my hair.
I have since I was 11 or 12.
I can't control it at all.
You can't "just stop" or "just don't ever do it again"
It makes you feel like a freak/ an outsider/ abnormal/ inhuman/ unworthy/ ashamed/ embarrassed/ worthless/ ugly/ exhausted/ tired/ upset/ suicidal/ unlovable/ mentally unstable/ insecure/ doubtful and  scared

If I could control it, I would have a long long time ago. Believe me.

leg action

When the designs are chosen with care, tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. ~Michelle Delio